How to Stop Avoiding Conflict

I’m not totally sold on astrology, but I’ll admit—it’s growing on me. I’m a proud Sagittarius, though I’m not entirely sure what I’m proud of. Anyway, while chatting with my therapist (yes, she asked, “Where did you find that guy?”), I realized I’m basically hardwired to avoid conflict. It probably comes down to the fact that I get uncomfortable when things get heated, which often leads to misunderstandings. I either end up biting my tongue or letting things slide. Whether it’s romantic relationships, friendships, or any situation really—I’ve always tried to dodge conflict.

I wouldn’t say I’m a full-on people pleaser, but when I find myself in situations where I have to repeatedly avoid confrontation, I just quietly and confidently cut those people out of my life. And yeah, I know, 80% of the blame is on me. It’s weird because I’m not scared to say when I disagree, but if things get too intense, I’m like, “whatever, take the cake.”

Little by little, though, I’ve learned that I don’t need to be modest or keep the peace all the time. I can speak up. I can make people uncomfortable with my opinions—not in a creepy way, but genuinely—and the more I’ve done it, the better I’ve slept at night.

What’s helped me is pointing out, in the moment, what’s bothering me. Saying things like, “Babe, your throat’s gonna hurt tomorrow if you don’t lower your voice,” or “We’re literally talking past each other from opposite perspectives.” Sometimes it’s as simple as, “I want to get what you’re trying to say, so let’s grab another glass of wine and figure it out,” or even, “You have a valid point, but I still think you’re totally wrong.”

What I didn’t realize before is how passionate I am about pretty much everything—until someone tries to change my mind. But now, in my mid-20s, I’m a bit more mindful of all that. ;)