DEAR MUM

There’s so much I need to tell you… and so little I actually want to feel.

I don’t want to feel anything anymore—not since you died. Did I die with you? Am I losing my life? I should’ve said yes to everything, but I can’t make that leap. I can’t say yes to all the things I used to tell you I wanted, because I’m scared I won’t even want them without you here.

I haven’t been able to love since you left, and I don’t understand why I’m even capable of caring anymore.

I ran away because everything reminded me of you. But no matter how far I go, it’s never far enough, and I don’t want to keep feeling my own self-judgment.

The truth is, I might hate myself for letting him “mute” my sadness. He told me to grow up, said he didn’t have time for my tears. So why do I still love him?

Maybe I just need to hide out here a little longer—until I’m forced to face reality again. “I’ll give you four years,” he said. And it’s already been two.

Time is flying by, and I need it to stop. I feel like I’m running out of it, and every day I get closer to that place again. Closer to whatever I’m supposed to be (or what they say I should be. Screw them.)

Kiss me tonight in my dreams, hold me tonight in my nightmares.

With love,
Whatever’s left of your daughter.